Crying from the pain, I use it as a reminder of where I once was and where I will never put myself again. The wake up call made me more self-aware. How dare I let someone and something decide how I am supposed to love, nurture, and support myself. The wake up call taught me how to take care of myself first. If I am running on empty, how am I supposed to support, love, and nurture someone else? I had to wake the “f” up in order to bounce back.
I was introduced to the dating world late. Many reasons, too many to list and rather not get into why. The introduction was great. Was on a high for a while until everything came to a crash and burn. Burnt for a while. Because of it, I was forced to deal with my misery. At first, I was riding on a “woe is me” train. Then I hopped on the “Why me” train, then moved onto the “I am not good enough” and the “I will never be good enough” train. I stayed on it for awhile. I did not want to deal with my emotions so I hid them from myself. If I did not think about it, I was not able to think through it and this severely damaged my self-esteem. I measured my self worth with this and ultimately it was reduced to nothing. This crippled me in so many ways. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I was psychologically damaged. I worked so hard to fight through the pain of my childhood and to be back and reduced to this feeling was a shock. I thought to myself “How did I come so far to go right back?” I fed myself with so many negative thoughts and neglected to acknowledge that the experience was a lesson. A lesson to test if I learned anything from my previous fight to get to the top. The top that is labeled Self Love. One day I just stopped. Stopped everything I was doing, stopped everything I was thinking and just said out loud, “All of this is for a reason.”
What is important is to recognize the lessons embedded in these experiences. Not everyone is going to love you or choose you the way you want and deserve because only you know how to truly love you and choose you the way you deserve. We are not designed to have the ability to know exactly the needs of others.
I learned the hard lesson of being okay with my feelings and letting them out every now and again. Keeping them hidden from myself only hurt me hence the devaluation of my self-esteem. I had to learn to care less about what people think of me and focus more on what I think about myself. I am stuck with me forever so I have to be okay with me, being me. Talking to myself in the mirror, acknowledging what I love about me, not taking my journey for granted and being thankful for it all - good and the bad- because ultimately I am alive and every day I wake up and have the choice to be happy. To make myself happy.
So if you ever find yourself in a rut because of heartbreak remember that it is a wake up call, a lesson in self awareness. It teaches you to remember who you are because sometimes we lose ourselves in trying to love others. Heartbreak also reminds you to stop taking things so personal. We are all put on this earth to first love ourselves and then to love others. Someone, somewhere, may get hurt in the process but do not let that hurt be a measure for your self-worth.
Lastly, acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Don’t let the pain drown you but use it as a tool to help you from sinking. Let it keep you afloat as a reminder that you have the choice to be happy. Dig deep inside your thoughts and feelings to show yourself that you are capable of pulling yourself out.